We’re All Just A Bunch Of Misfits.

Every one desperately trying to fit, fit into something or someones ideas of what they believe is right…. or not.  Watching my girls grow and watching society on its everlasting evolution. I see how we have come full circle. At one time this country fought to be individualized  and stand for what they believed. We have slowly evolved from being here in America, a free country,  for the right to pray to our God freely and openly, to trying to be socially acceptable.  To be just like everyone else.  Same thoughts, views, hair, car, home, and the music we listen too.

I see my youngest daughter judging life on how many likes she gets on an Instagram photo or not being able to go to school with out make -up  and shes 14!  Trust me I have monitored the phone usage and the texting and she does not even have a Facebook yet, but it is inevitable in this day an age. She will be connected to some social networking. Its kind of sad seeing my beautiful daughter and her cute friends all competing with each others trends and or social status at school or how many instagram followers they have acquired.  Yes, I’m sure this has been going on for years, but it is now posted for the world to see and I feel like we are creating miniature clones. They are so scared to be themselves in fear of being the “oddball’,  the “eccentric” or the “flake”.

I have watched my oldest daughter fight to find herself, to find a place she was socially acceptable.   It hurts my heart and soul watching her over the past few years of high school looking for her “fit”.  Well she finally found, what I would call, the misfits.  I am extremely disappointed in her friend choices. These so called misfits don’t seem to have the same goals or values on life that I have tried to instill upon my daughter for the past 18 years.  WHAT?

What am I saying?  My daughter has not conformed to society and I’m disappointed?  She is still going to college and looking to be a productive member of society, that’s what she says. She graduated from high school Cum Laude.

Soooo… I’m upset because these misfits may not want to dress like all the other girls or stand up straight or wear make up and take photo after photo to post on the internet? The misfits like to hang out at the skate park, smoke cigarettes and live a more simple life.  My sweet daughter wears flannel shirts and converse high tops, why am I disappointed? Shes still moving forward in life and is where she should be as an 18 year old girl.

Pondering over  these misfits, I look over at the mini-instagram cloned, social network junkie I call Cloie, asking her to please leave the phone for a while and connect with human beings.  Ummm …what’s wrong with this picture?  Do I want my daughter to be socially acceptable or a misfit?  I must add, since my oldest daughter has moved out I have been re -tracing, re-thinking,  and second guessing all of my parenting over the years.  Feeling guilty that she is now what society labels a misfit.

WHAT IS A MISFIT ~ http://www.thefreedictionary.com/MISFITS

I started thinking about a picture of my family the day of Gaby’s senior graduation… a group picture, that’s when it hit me. We are all just a bunch of misfits trying to fit! Fit into something.  Fit into the family, a job, a school, even a social network.  In the family photo I know each persons story, each persons struggles, strengths and the growth they achieved with them.

HaHaHa.. I am probably the biggest misfit of all!!  I love my girls and I hope they learn from their struggles and strengths too.

Noisy Silence.

Silence I’m sitting in my living room right now. Complete silence.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
Head back, eyes closed.
No tv, no radio, no talking, just me and my mind. Complete silence?
I’m alone, except for my favorite pet bunny and a terrorist kitten on the prowl!
No one here to hear my “silence”.
My noisy silence!
I hear my every click of the keyboard, the humming of the computer.. the tv on mute. Yes, it’s true I can hear the muted tv. I hear my rabbit eating his kibbles and the dishwasher clanking.. clank clack clackkkk…..

I guess the saying “silence is golden” holds true to life. If you can ever experience true silence then it will definitely be golden!

I’m not real sure silence exist. Even if I sat completely silent no typing, no bunnies or dishwashers….

Would I experience this golden silence? Hhmmm… I don’t know about you but my inner voice is loud!! :)

Fridays Make Me All Warm and Fuzzy!

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Lets make this day, ” the best day ever!!” From the moment you put your feet on the ground to get this day started, make a decision to live this day to the fullest! Whatever day God had given you, it’s up to you to make it what you want! Do something out of your normal routine today!! Go out of your way for someone! Smile, Smile, Smile!
Have a wonderful day!!!
Neels

Are You Who You Wanna Be?

So, this whole living life “on purpose” thing is still going. Going strong? Eh. It’s not easy to live each moment, day or week on purpose. Let me clarify what I mean when I say “on purpose”. Make the best of the day that I have been given. It means to not long for material things, or be envious of others. It means being an example of an appreciative person. Smiling at people and being kind for no reason. Do not judge others, or let my emotions get the best of me. Meaning if things are not going my way that day, I can not slip back into the “old self”. Having more control of my thoughts, not letting my mind wander from one insignificant thought to another meaningless thought. Next time you are driving to work turn off your radio and listen to your thoughts… really its kind of silly the things that cross our minds. Everything from old memories, to the idiot that almost ran me off the road trying to merge! Ugh… how long do you re-run that thought! My brain has a hard time moving on to the next topic. I can stew and ponder for hours even days over a subject or thought of would’ve could’ve should’ve! Which in turn ruins my mood, my attitude and my day. Sometimes even a week or two! It definitely means regrouping my thoughts periodically through the day. Maybe a quick prayer or forcing that smile on my face. Engaging in conversation with someone else giving my true, sincere, undivided attention, always helps me get my thoughts back on track. Sometimes listening to others opens your heart and mind and you may even realize your day month or life isn’t that bad at all. I’ve always wanted to live an adventurous life, happy and full of excitement. ” Life is what you make it” that’s what they say. I believe that. I go to sleep thinking, ” ok, I live in a small apartment and have a 9 to 5 job” tell me how do I make that life something more? How do I make my life what I want it to be? I live it “on purpose”! I purposely try to see the good in things. people or situations. Laugh out loud at things that would have normally ruined my day. Some people can naturally do this, naturally laugh things off and be all smiles. I’m not that girl. But I want to change that and have made a conscious effort the past year or so.

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”

Mahatma Gandhi

This quote and the song below have been my inspiration and motivation.

We Interrupt This Life.

Wow!! the past few weeks have been amazing?
No…no… Scary!
Hmmm, adventurous and eye-opening?
And extremely stressful to say the least! Nothing like some mixed emotions :)
As optimistic as I try to be, always looking at the glass half full or the brighter side of things.. the past few weeks filled me with so many emotions I finally POPPED! I’m the kinda girl who thinks if I attend a football game our team will win, just because I’m so positive of the outcome :) But this month has really given me a run for my money!
For starters, my daughter is officially 18!!.

~drum roll~ (In my best ringleader voice) Step right up and see the amazing 18 year old girl! That’s right folks… the magic number 18, she now miraculously knows everything and I know nothing!
*sparkle in my eye/ gleam on my front tooth*

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She moved out and in with her bff, that doesn’t sound so bad except the bff stands for “bad friend fiasco” sadly my daughter has befriended someone who has the “hate the world” attitude, and “you owe me everything” syndrome. This is so sad to me because I feel like I raised my daughter to love this world and work hard for what you want. My sweet little girl, that’s how I still see her, is very much a follower and I believe she is on a mission to find herself and make her own way. I’m all for that, but she’s following this bff and her ways and her ideas, and that makes my little heart sad. Soooo….. in an effort to support her, against my better judgment, my mother gave her a car and I gave her my blessings and let her move out with her things only weeks before her senior graduation. (May 16th)
Just in case you weren’t sure of how this has turned out, let me tell you. Her grades have dropped from As and Bs to Cs and Ds even some Fs!!! My daughter has had over a 3.0GPA the last 3 1/2 years, so you can understand why I feel a bit uneasy about this change. She has missed so many days of school, she is in jeopardy of not graduating, she wrecked her car and quit her job she had at sonic for over 8months!!!
Hard to see any glasses half full in this whirlwind of a free bird teenager, living her so-called life!! UGGHHH!!! Can we say rebel without a cause?!

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Can you see it? The smoke, coming from this mommy’s eyes, ears, and nose?? My heart pounding, mind racing, and and and…. ROARRRRR!!!
Momma bear has arisen! Everybody look out!! Kids, co-workers, new boyfriends and bad friend fiasco’s step away from this momma bear! Wow, I’m actually feeling anxious re-living this up roar. Regrouping starts NOW.

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We also adopted a kitten from the shelter at Christmas for Gaby, which she left with me when she moved out.

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Cute sweet kitten awwww…. NOT!! She is a holy terror! I’m telling you a nightmare in broad daylight! We live in a small two bedroom apartment that she has basically taken over. She is a wild cat. We thought once she was spayed she would calm down, nope.
Not to mention guess who gets the lovely pleasure of removing her poop from our home?? Yep …you’re looking at her or, well, listening to her rant right now *big cheesy smile that has thank you written all over it*

And we can’t forget about the new sofa we had delivered last weekend. I’m thrilled to have a new family sofa for movie night and family game night.
Yay… they’re here, come in, place sofa here, and yes yes.. it looks so … so … umm… there is a piece of plastic poking out the back of my new family sofa!! (shock, horror, terror) The sofa that was going to gather the girls, the boyfriend and myself for some good times. Much needed good times to distract myself from the recent meltdown. Keep calm… and call the furniture store! They can’t get anyone out to “look” at it for over a week. FINE, I can deal with that. But talk about pile it on God ;)

Deep Breath…. 3,2,1

About a week later~
Grades are picking up and school is being attended. Project graduation in full force equals happy mother! The smoke is clearing :)
The car accident was not Gabys fault. A little old lady ran a stop sign and pulled out in front of my daughter. Gaby is fine but very upset about her car. What made the whole event more stressful than should have been was the little old lady’s ins did not want to cover the damage at 100% only 70%
I KNOW!!!! and yes I fought it to tears and argued with people around me, I talked to a lawyer, my ins co and her ins co. I went round for round a total of 23 days!!!
Apparently her ins co has the right to believe my daughter could have prevented the accident and by that belief they only paid 70% of my daughters damages. I even checked Gaby’s phone records to see if she could have possibly been on the phone texting or talking, which she was not! To make this long story a little shorter, I settled. Why? Because my sanity was being breached. I have bigger fish to fry, like accepting my daughter is 18 and is entitled to ruin her own life. I’ll be here when she needs me.

Through all this my wonderful boyfriend, (pulse quickens, cheeks redden, instant smile) has been amazing! He just seems to keep an even tone about himself. He put a smile on my younger daughters face last night. She loves Selena Gomez and he bought her tickets to an upcoming concert! She is ecstatic!! That makes me happy. But the big surprise won’t be known until the day of the concert, Cloie is going to meet her favorite star!! I can not wait to see the look on her face when I tell her the big news!!

And now back to our regularly scheduled life….

Contentment…

   As I sit here relaxing…wine in hand and computer on lap,  wanting to write something to share , I realize how freaking happy I am!!  I feel peace with this moment.  I feel satisfaction with the day that unfolded and the path it took.  And now with my heart and mind full of accomplishment , and productivity, I’m trying to find the word for this feeling.  This feeling does not always come easy but tonight it feels so so good!  I am CONTENT.   When I say the word content or when I have the feeling of  full contentment I have feelings of peace, joy, love, happiness, and a satisfaction with simply being.  Just being here on my bed listening to my boyfriend put together a desk in the other room, my daughter harassing the cat and the yumminess of my wine (Riesling is best).

My definition of contentment:

“not feeling the need or want for anything.  Not a care in the world.”

*I decided to look up the “official” definition of the word… this is what I found.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/contentment

Seems so sterile :(  I mean compared to my definition, the almighty” Webster” does not really define the word.  This definition makes me wonder what your definition may be on the word.  To me the feeling of contentment is a grand accomplishment!!!  I do not feel content every day by any means, actually, I wish I could feel content everyday. It takes work to feel at peace with your life, to be thankful for the little things, and to not want more than we have.  Does anyone feel content everyday with their life? Just living life … just being?