Trapped In My Own Mind

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I hate that my mind seems to control my life! I have a peaceful heart, a simple mindset, but my thoughts refuse to let me be those things! I just want to let life live

But this girls mind here, WILL NOT allow it! I let my thoughts continue to control my life and alter my moods. Good, happy, content moods at that!?

**Geezzz!? “More thoughtless thoughts coming your way, take that!
And this!
And love that, fear this, fight that.. And OCD all things over there!? ” Ohhhhh… And let’s not forget WE MUST CONTROL EVERYTHING

I meannnnn realllyyyy… What kind of peaceful content life would it be without trying to control every damn thing?? Huh?

Some people are just really good at it, letting life flow… For me it is something I must work at every minute of every day!

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It’s So Cliché

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Cliché, yes, but it’s true! As soon as you stop trying to live someone else’s life, you can finally love your own.
**Really! Why do we constantly judge our life by looking at other peoples lives?
We do it via Facebook, Instagram, or blogs, any social media, magazines, or plain old fashion gossip.

For some reason it helps us feel better about our own lives we lead, or guilt we may harvest, even the insecurities we hide.

I have learned over the years to love what I have, love the hand I’ve been dealt. It’s funny now, because when I look back at how tough I thought life was, or how far I’ve come, I feel so PROUD of myself and my accomplishments.
I’m still learning and still dealing with my hand…. But I am definitely learning to fall in love with my life!

Motivation!! Motivate. Motivated….Or lack of.

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Ughhhhh!!!! I hate when I have no drive! Drive to exercise, eat right or follow my goals for 2014! Absolutely no motivation this morning, or the past two weeks. I’m feeling a rut coming on, and I’m not digging it, not at all. Contrary to my “rich girl” blog, I am in a post 2014 blues rut! I always set myself up for a wonderful new year, with a list of goals and accomplishments, only to realize about 6 weeks in, that it’s not likely I’ll cross much off the list. My number one goal at the moment is to exercise. I’m older now and due to my love of food and wine, I figure I need to balance it out with some exercise. My least favorite activity in life EVER.

The new year is always my favorite, I love the thought of having an opportunity to start fresh. Giving myself a new chance or new start at ME!

What’s your New Years been like so far? Have you managed to cross anything off the list?
Because, erase leg dimples by March, has not happened for me yet!

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I feel like “a rich girl”

I have A wonderful family that loves me.
I feel loved and appreciated!
I am content.
I am in love.
I love my children, my soon to be husband, my life, and my awesome God.
I am in love with the peace and contentment surrounding me.
I have a wonderful view from my window, and a warm home full of natural light.
I am blessed.
I feel more rich than the richest person in the world.
I can buy food and clothes, I can go out to eat with my family.
We laugh and act silly! We play games and argue about who’s turn is next.
Do I have a million bucks in the bank?

By looking at us… You would think so ;)

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We’re All Just A Bunch Of Misfits.

Every one desperately trying to fit, fit into something or someones ideas of what they believe is right…. or not.  Watching my girls grow and watching society on its everlasting evolution. I see how we have come full circle. At one time this country fought to be individualized  and stand for what they believed. We have slowly evolved from being here in America, a free country,  for the right to pray to our God freely and openly, to trying to be socially acceptable.  To be just like everyone else.  Same thoughts, views, hair, car, home, and the music we listen too.

I see my youngest daughter judging life on how many likes she gets on an Instagram photo or not being able to go to school with out make -up  and shes 14!  Trust me I have monitored the phone usage and the texting and she does not even have a Facebook yet, but it is inevitable in this day an age. She will be connected to some social networking. Its kind of sad seeing my beautiful daughter and her cute friends all competing with each others trends and or social status at school or how many instagram followers they have acquired.  Yes, I’m sure this has been going on for years, but it is now posted for the world to see and I feel like we are creating miniature clones. They are so scared to be themselves in fear of being the “oddball’,  the “eccentric” or the “flake”.

I have watched my oldest daughter fight to find herself, to find a place she was socially acceptable.   It hurts my heart and soul watching her over the past few years of high school looking for her “fit”.  Well she finally found, what I would call, the misfits.  I am extremely disappointed in her friend choices. These so called misfits don’t seem to have the same goals or values on life that I have tried to instill upon my daughter for the past 18 years.  WHAT?

What am I saying?  My daughter has not conformed to society and I’m disappointed?  She is still going to college and looking to be a productive member of society, that’s what she says. She graduated from high school Cum Laude.

Soooo… I’m upset because these misfits may not want to dress like all the other girls or stand up straight or wear make up and take photo after photo to post on the internet? The misfits like to hang out at the skate park, smoke cigarettes and live a more simple life.  My sweet daughter wears flannel shirts and converse high tops, why am I disappointed? Shes still moving forward in life and is where she should be as an 18 year old girl.

Pondering over  these misfits, I look over at the mini-instagram cloned, social network junkie I call Cloie, asking her to please leave the phone for a while and connect with human beings.  Ummm …what’s wrong with this picture?  Do I want my daughter to be socially acceptable or a misfit?  I must add, since my oldest daughter has moved out I have been re -tracing, re-thinking,  and second guessing all of my parenting over the years.  Feeling guilty that she is now what society labels a misfit.

WHAT IS A MISFIT ~ http://www.thefreedictionary.com/MISFITS

I started thinking about a picture of my family the day of Gaby’s senior graduation… a group picture, that’s when it hit me. We are all just a bunch of misfits trying to fit! Fit into something.  Fit into the family, a job, a school, even a social network.  In the family photo I know each persons story, each persons struggles, strengths and the growth they achieved with them.

HaHaHa.. I am probably the biggest misfit of all!!  I love my girls and I hope they learn from their struggles and strengths too.

Are You Who You Wanna Be?

So, this whole living life “on purpose” thing is still going. Going strong? Eh. It’s not easy to live each moment, day or week on purpose. Let me clarify what I mean when I say “on purpose”. Make the best of the day that I have been given. It means to not long for material things, or be envious of others. It means being an example of an appreciative person. Smiling at people and being kind for no reason. Do not judge others, or let my emotions get the best of me. Meaning if things are not going my way that day, I can not slip back into the “old self”. Having more control of my thoughts, not letting my mind wander from one insignificant thought to another meaningless thought. Next time you are driving to work turn off your radio and listen to your thoughts… really its kind of silly the things that cross our minds. Everything from old memories, to the idiot that almost ran me off the road trying to merge! Ugh… how long do you re-run that thought! My brain has a hard time moving on to the next topic. I can stew and ponder for hours even days over a subject or thought of would’ve could’ve should’ve! Which in turn ruins my mood, my attitude and my day. Sometimes even a week or two! It definitely means regrouping my thoughts periodically through the day. Maybe a quick prayer or forcing that smile on my face. Engaging in conversation with someone else giving my true, sincere, undivided attention, always helps me get my thoughts back on track. Sometimes listening to others opens your heart and mind and you may even realize your day month or life isn’t that bad at all. I’ve always wanted to live an adventurous life, happy and full of excitement. ” Life is what you make it” that’s what they say. I believe that. I go to sleep thinking, ” ok, I live in a small apartment and have a 9 to 5 job” tell me how do I make that life something more? How do I make my life what I want it to be? I live it “on purpose”! I purposely try to see the good in things. people or situations. Laugh out loud at things that would have normally ruined my day. Some people can naturally do this, naturally laugh things off and be all smiles. I’m not that girl. But I want to change that and have made a conscious effort the past year or so.

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”

Mahatma Gandhi

This quote and the song below have been my inspiration and motivation.

We Interrupt This Life.

Wow!! the past few weeks have been amazing?
No…no… Scary!
Hmmm, adventurous and eye-opening?
And extremely stressful to say the least! Nothing like some mixed emotions :)
As optimistic as I try to be, always looking at the glass half full or the brighter side of things.. the past few weeks filled me with so many emotions I finally POPPED! I’m the kinda girl who thinks if I attend a football game our team will win, just because I’m so positive of the outcome :) But this month has really given me a run for my money!
For starters, my daughter is officially 18!!.

~drum roll~ (In my best ringleader voice) Step right up and see the amazing 18 year old girl! That’s right folks… the magic number 18, she now miraculously knows everything and I know nothing!
*sparkle in my eye/ gleam on my front tooth*

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She moved out and in with her bff, that doesn’t sound so bad except the bff stands for “bad friend fiasco” sadly my daughter has befriended someone who has the “hate the world” attitude, and “you owe me everything” syndrome. This is so sad to me because I feel like I raised my daughter to love this world and work hard for what you want. My sweet little girl, that’s how I still see her, is very much a follower and I believe she is on a mission to find herself and make her own way. I’m all for that, but she’s following this bff and her ways and her ideas, and that makes my little heart sad. Soooo….. in an effort to support her, against my better judgment, my mother gave her a car and I gave her my blessings and let her move out with her things only weeks before her senior graduation. (May 16th)
Just in case you weren’t sure of how this has turned out, let me tell you. Her grades have dropped from As and Bs to Cs and Ds even some Fs!!! My daughter has had over a 3.0GPA the last 3 1/2 years, so you can understand why I feel a bit uneasy about this change. She has missed so many days of school, she is in jeopardy of not graduating, she wrecked her car and quit her job she had at sonic for over 8months!!!
Hard to see any glasses half full in this whirlwind of a free bird teenager, living her so-called life!! UGGHHH!!! Can we say rebel without a cause?!

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Can you see it? The smoke, coming from this mommy’s eyes, ears, and nose?? My heart pounding, mind racing, and and and…. ROARRRRR!!!
Momma bear has arisen! Everybody look out!! Kids, co-workers, new boyfriends and bad friend fiasco’s step away from this momma bear! Wow, I’m actually feeling anxious re-living this up roar. Regrouping starts NOW.

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We also adopted a kitten from the shelter at Christmas for Gaby, which she left with me when she moved out.

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Cute sweet kitten awwww…. NOT!! She is a holy terror! I’m telling you a nightmare in broad daylight! We live in a small two bedroom apartment that she has basically taken over. She is a wild cat. We thought once she was spayed she would calm down, nope.
Not to mention guess who gets the lovely pleasure of removing her poop from our home?? Yep …you’re looking at her or, well, listening to her rant right now *big cheesy smile that has thank you written all over it*

And we can’t forget about the new sofa we had delivered last weekend. I’m thrilled to have a new family sofa for movie night and family game night.
Yay… they’re here, come in, place sofa here, and yes yes.. it looks so … so … umm… there is a piece of plastic poking out the back of my new family sofa!! (shock, horror, terror) The sofa that was going to gather the girls, the boyfriend and myself for some good times. Much needed good times to distract myself from the recent meltdown. Keep calm… and call the furniture store! They can’t get anyone out to “look” at it for over a week. FINE, I can deal with that. But talk about pile it on God ;)

Deep Breath…. 3,2,1

About a week later~
Grades are picking up and school is being attended. Project graduation in full force equals happy mother! The smoke is clearing :)
The car accident was not Gabys fault. A little old lady ran a stop sign and pulled out in front of my daughter. Gaby is fine but very upset about her car. What made the whole event more stressful than should have been was the little old lady’s ins did not want to cover the damage at 100% only 70%
I KNOW!!!! and yes I fought it to tears and argued with people around me, I talked to a lawyer, my ins co and her ins co. I went round for round a total of 23 days!!!
Apparently her ins co has the right to believe my daughter could have prevented the accident and by that belief they only paid 70% of my daughters damages. I even checked Gaby’s phone records to see if she could have possibly been on the phone texting or talking, which she was not! To make this long story a little shorter, I settled. Why? Because my sanity was being breached. I have bigger fish to fry, like accepting my daughter is 18 and is entitled to ruin her own life. I’ll be here when she needs me.

Through all this my wonderful boyfriend, (pulse quickens, cheeks redden, instant smile) has been amazing! He just seems to keep an even tone about himself. He put a smile on my younger daughters face last night. She loves Selena Gomez and he bought her tickets to an upcoming concert! She is ecstatic!! That makes me happy. But the big surprise won’t be known until the day of the concert, Cloie is going to meet her favorite star!! I can not wait to see the look on her face when I tell her the big news!!

And now back to our regularly scheduled life….